The engagement stage is the next stage on which I’d like to shed some light; there is a lot to discuss at this stage, but I’ll stick to the most important points. Call me crazy, but I believe that all of the topics listed below are critical to a couple’s relationship because marriage is a serious commitment that should not be taken lightly. I’m sharing this information to assist others in taking this critical step in their lives. I hope it makes a difference in your life. As previously stated, everything I share is based on Christian marriage books I’ve read, the Bible, and personal experiences I’ve lived, heard, and witnessed.
It’s safe to assume that when a couple reaches the engagement stage, their relationship is serious. At this point, it is still safe for couples to determine whether or not they are compatible. If you realise you’re not compatible with your partner after continuous prayer and guidance, don’t feel obligated to stay in the relationship just because you’re engaged, even if it’s a day before the wedding. Nothing is worse than realising you won’t be able to live with someone while still going through the marriage. Side note: I’ve noticed that some men and women go into denial when they begin to notice their partner’s unchanging and damaging characteristics. They believe that this is it, that this is the one and only person for them, and that they will not be able to find anyone else like them, so they accept them as they are for the time being and convince themselves that they will be able to change them later. This is wrong and damaging to both partners. Occasionally, the partner with the unchanging and harmful characteristics convinces the other that they will never find someone like them, and so on. Please be cautious of people like this.
Here are the topics I find most important to work on and discuss when at the engagement stage:
Get to know each other well: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6. Both partners must be their true, authentic, and honest selves so that you can truly get to know each other. Spending time with your spouse’s family and friends, as well as learning about what activities your spouse is interested in and vice versa is an important part of getting to know each other. It’s critical that you both discover these things while you’re still in this stage because they’ll help you decide whether or not you’re compatible with each other. You don’t want to figure these things out while you’re married because you might not be able to approve some of them, and it’ll be much more difficult to accept them by then. Keep in mind that there is a line that must be drawn as Christians. For example, are the activities in which your partner participates fruitful or not so much? Are their friends a positive or negative influence on them? Is their family overly or underly involved in your relationship? Keep all of these things in mind, and remember that if there is something you can’t live with, don’t wait until you’re married to address it, address it now.
Transparency- He who speaks truth declares righteousness, But a false witness, deceit. Proverbs 12:17 .This is linked to getting to know your partner and being open and honest with them and if not done properly, this could be the root of many problems within your relationship. Smartphones and social media have a huge impact on our lives these days, and if we don’t use them properly, they can be very harmful to our relationships. I believe that couples should be able to leave their phones with their spouses and not be concerned if the other looks through them because we shouldn’t be hiding anything from each other. For example, if I leave my phone in a room with my husband, I have no objection to him looking through it; perhaps he needs to use an app or search for a photo I took, or whatever. The bottom line is that I trust him and he trusts me; there’s no need for me to keep an eye on him while he holds my phone in his hand, and there’s no need for him to dig through my phone for secrets or private messages because we’re both open and honest with each other. This is critical because it puts both of us at ease and ensures that we are not concealing anything; in fact, it strengthens our bond. Another thing I believe is that once a couple is married, they should share their bank account. Unless there is a valid reason for them to have two accounts, I strongly advise them to only have one, as this promotes transparency and allows you to see what you and your partner are spending the most money on, allowing you to possibly assist each other in saving in certain ways. If a couple needs two or more accounts, that’s fine, but they should be open about the details of the other accounts as well. If their husband or wife has access to these separate accounts, neither of them should be concerned. The items and money we own are no longer “mine,” but rather “ours.”
You may think these topics are irrelevant or strange to discuss, but trust me when I say that it eliminates any doubts, and there’s nothing better than being open, honest, and transparent.
Chastity– Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10. Being engaged does not give us permission to have intimate relations with our partner. The best thing you and your partner can do is avoid any form of intimate relations, such as kissing, spending time alone in a room with the door shut, making out, and so on. It’s very easy to get carried away with one of these actions, leading to other intimate thoughts and actions, and before you know it, you’ve gone too far. My advice is to always discuss this topic openly with your partner and draw lines. Intimacy is a gift that God has given to us to use once we are married, not before. It makes it more worthwhile to wait, and it instills discipline in both you and your partner. Make no excuses for breaking your chastity.
Spirituality- St. John Chrysostom says “For indeed a house is a little Church. Thus it is possible for us by becoming good husbands and wives, to surpass all others.” Now is an important time to start laying the groundwork for your spirituality as a couple. Attend Church services together, such as Sunday mass, bible studies, or preaching, if you haven’t already. Once a week, read and discuss a verse together or say a prayer together. Setting a realistic foundation of spiritual activities early in your relationship is critical. When my husband and I were in this stage, we used to read and reflect on one of the readings from the Holy Liturgy on Sundays after church. If you don’t like to read, you could go to a prayer service together at your local church or go for a walk and talk about spiritual topics. Not only will you grow spiritually and rely on God’s presence in your lives as a result of laying these strong spiritual foundations together, but it will also be a beautiful habit you can pass on to your future family.
Wedding- Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Romans 12:9 This is also the time when you and your future spouse begin to discuss the details of your wedding. Unfortunately, many weddings have now devolved into a competition to see who can spend the most money, hire the best designer to create their gowns, and waste money on frivolous items. For example, something unnecessary and odd I’ve seen couples start to do these days is shooting smoke guns at the crowd while listening to extremely loud music in the background. I’m not sure what the significance is, but I’m sure it’s not a necessity for a wedding but rather an unnecessary expense.
Weddings are extremely expensive these days, and couples are under a lot of pressure to keep up with the latest trends. By succumbing to these irrational expenses, the true meaning of marriage has been lost. Don’t get me wrong: it’s fine to have nice things at our weddings, but there needs to be a line drawn somewhere. We should strive to bring glory to God through our weddings as Christians. How do we go about doing that? We must put the idea of pleasing people out of our minds and focus on pleasing God by keeping our wedding simple and modest. To get into more detail on how we can bring glory to God through our wedding, don’t overspend on dresses, suits, makeup, hair, flowers, cars, receptions, and all the other things that come with it. When it comes to food, entertainment, and services, be generous and respectful to your visitors. Be cautious of the songs chosen or played on the night; what are the lyrics? Make an effort to choose appropriate songs to be played before the wedding day. Yes, it only happens once, but use this once to give glory to our Creator, who has sanctified marriage as a gift.
Living – “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31. It’s also a good time to talk about your living arrangements, including where you plan to live and with whom, as this can have an impact on your relationship. Some couples choose to live with their in-laws for a short or long period of time, while others choose to live on their own. If you go with the first option, make sure you get to know your in-laws and family well. Will they be a part of your relationship with your husband? Will they have an impact on your relationship or the decisions you and your partner make together? Is there going to be anyone else in the house? You should talk about these with your partner and decide where the lines should be drawn. Living with other people has the risk of influencing decisions that should only be made by a wife and husband together, which can lead to problems. With love and respect, a married couple should not be afraid to tell their parents not to get overly involved. Remember, you’re about to move in with your future wife or husband, and you want to be able to get to know each other’s living habits and routines. When family members become overly involved, it can be detrimental to your relationship and marriage’s flow.
If there is a topic you think I have missed, please let me know in the comments below or email me at mirnamakko@hotmail.com. Here are some book suggestions for single individuals and those who are yet to be engaged or are engaged.
On Marriage and Family Life: St. John Chrysostom & Two Become One: An Orthodox Christian Guide to Engagement and Marriage
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